Counselling Frankston & Mornington Peninsula - Louise Goodwin - Counsellor

Tuesday, 20 August 2013 20:08

Intimacy after Children

Intimacy after children? Many couples wonder what has happended to their sex lives after the birth of the first child.

It all changes; for her traditionally, the sleepless nights, never ending crying and tantrums as children grow can be demanding. Being a mother means giving constantly, this leaves little for the partner who can be left feeling unloved and rejected.  This is because the constant demands of children's needs, leave little for anything else.

couples sharing the loadForeplay doesn't start in the bedroom once you are a parent the sexiest thing a father can be doing is changing nappies, playing with children and taking out the rubbish with a smile on his face! Jumping in and and doing household jobs reduces her load and gives you both more space to relax which is the first step towards intimacy.  A little caring for the carer goes a long way and seeing a father enjoy play with their child usually inspires love and affection in women.

Communication is vital after children, talking and listening to understand what is being said without becoming defensive.  When you are defensive you start making excuses and stop listening. Listening to your partner and allowing them to just talk without trying to solve their probleems necessarily is also another step towards the bedroom,  If you try to tell them how to do it they will become defensive and feel unheard, this will not help!

Speak without crisicising, clearly request your needs and do not assume your partner should know what you want - They Don't! - you need to tell them.  At all times speak respectfully in a way that does not offend or put your partner down, remember you both need to be making each other feel good, that's why you are together.

It's important not to take each other for granted and to remember to make time for each other and being intimate non-sexually and sexually so that you both feel loved.

It is important during this time not to assume that your partner will just be available and ready when you are and don't take it personally!  It is vital that you remember to plan intimacy and romance after children.  Try and take yourselves back to a time when you couldn't wait to hold each other, the rush to be alone together, the urgency that you felt, close your eyes and picture it.  Now plan an evening with you partner, organise the baby sitter so she doesn't have to worry about it.

Reference: Snellen M. Sex and intimacy after childbirth 2005. The Text Publishing Company Melbourne